seriously?!?!
A few more thoughts on my desire to see more black kids in Elsa’s classroom (as opposed to being spread out among the three pre-K classrooms).
I had a lightbulb moment when I talked to the Head of School.
He said, basically, that it would take a huge effort to make it happen, and it would cause a LOT of controversy.
I had given him all my reasoning (as described in my follow-up letter), and — after a fair bit of prodding, extracted his personal opinion (based on the research out there and his own research for his doctorate in Education) that clustering children of color together is better for them.
But then he said: we are going to have to go to the mat on this one.
I was feeling really dense, and then he said: the white parents won’t like it.
And I sat there, feeling even more dense.
Somehow managing not to notice I was being slow, he continued: they are paying 25 grand a year for diversity. And so they want Elsa (or someone who looks like her) in their child’s class. They won’t be happy with an all-white class.
DUH.
I keep going back to this thought, because it is so obvious. But I was so oblivious. Of COURSE they want a black kid in their child’s classroom. Diversity is hard to find in our very white homogeneous county. And the more kids of color you can put in a predominantly white classroom, the better.
Except it’s not better for the kids of color. At all.
So who do they satisfy? The majority of the parents, who have white kids at the school and want to see diversity in their classroom? Or the minority of parents, who have kids of color who would be better served by all being in the same classroom?
It’s a sticky wicket.
If I had a white kid, I’d want kids of color in my kid’s class. But then again, I would never even have considered whether it was similarly beneficial (or even detrimental) to the minority kids to be spread out to satisfy this desire.
Yet another sign of my white privilege – never crossed my mind.
But now I’m thinking – I totally should go to the mat. I am white. The other white parents will have a harder time dismissing me as having a racial agenda.
And I can relate to them. Right?
Or am I stirring up unnecessary controversy?
just sent this off to the new(ish) Head of School. had a tête-à-tête with him last week, and was very impressed. he’s an African American man with a Masters in Education and he knows his shit. we touched on this very possibly inflammatory topic and he asked me to send him an email. so i did.
this could get interesting…
Hi [Head of School],
Thanks again for your time on Thursday morning – it was great to get to chat in person and hear your thoughts about [the school]‘s future.
I wanted to reiterate my concerns and thoughts regarding children of color and their classroom assignments in the [pre-k/k] program.
To be sure, it is a benefit to white children to have children of color in the classrooms. This is one form of the diversity that parents are looking for when they bring their children to [the school]. However, common sense dictates (and I believe research confirms) that clustering children of color together is better for them. They do not take on the burden of being the representative for an entire group or race, they do not feel conspicuous, they have others with whom they share experience, and they feel more safe and “normal”.
Especially in a place like [our whitey-white county], not only is it critical for children of color to have teachers who look like them, it’s vital that they have peers who look like them. And a critical mass of peers is necessary, not a token one or two. Put simply, having six or seven other black kids in a class is clearly a different, and better, experience for a black child than being one of only two or three.
Sadly, there are not enough children of color in the [school] community to form critical mass in more than one classroom (an issue to tackle in another email…)
So the question becomes this: will [the school] cluster children of color together in one [pre-k/k] classroom to best serve those children, or will the school distribute them throughout the three classrooms, to best serve the majority who want diversity?
I feel strongly that the former is the right thing to do. These kids have enough of a burden to carry; we should not ask them to sacrifice their comfort and quality of their educational experience to benefit others.
I hope you agree, though I do understand this topic is controversial at best, and it may be difficult for you to take a public position on it.
Please let me know what I can do to help and advocate for our children of color in the [pre-k/k] program.
Best regards,
[me]
what a weekend my family and friends gave to me.
a lovely row saturday morning, thanks to my sister, who babysat Elsa. a mellow afternoon with Elsa, followed by a super-fun dinner with good friends. sunday morning breakfast out with my girl, then a playdate with friends. sunday afternoon i was escorted to a SURPRISE birthday party organized by my sister and my mom. so many loved ones there. i was totally shocked, and totally overwhelmed with gratitude.
i have felt unhinged for so long.
today, for the first time in a long long time, i feel… hinged.
if only i could be:
strong yet gentle and sweet, always
sensitive to suffering in those around me, and lean in to comfort them
fiercely protective of the ones i love
able to bounce back from a horrific start to become the most loving companion possible
patient and uncomplaining
wanting only to please
unfailingly affectionate, even when neglected
happy simply to lie in the sun, smell the wind, run in the grass
truly present in each and every moment
devoted, in the truest sense of the word
then – perhaps – i could be half of the wonderful being that you are.
that you were.
i will never forget you, my beloved India
i don’t understand what lesson is the universe trying to teach me. it feels everything in my personal life is being torn away. some kind of clean slate and/or scorched earth thing is going on, in a painful way.
the first true love my life is my dog, India. she has been with me through thick and thin. she is the most loving, sweet, gentle soul i know. she has been true blue – the most loyal, loving, constant presence in my life for the last 13 years.
and she is dying.
yesterday i got as far as calling the vet to the house to put her down. but after an examination, the vet said we could try a few things – mostly pain meds – and see if she might bounce back. it’s possible that she has some kind of inner-ear infection, which would account for India’s loss of appetite, stumbling and falling, and holding her head at a weird tilt. if so, it’ll resolve in a few days.
but it’s more likely that it’s something bigger. like a brain tumor.
she still gets up and wags her tail when she sees me. she happily ate the peanut butter i gave her. but she’s obviously uncomfortable and disoriented. and i just can’t take the fact that she is not long for this world.
yesterday i laid down with her and just petted her and cried.
today i sat Elsa down and tried to prepare her – explained that India is getting so old and her body is tired and sick. Elsa asked if India was going to die soon, and i said yes. she responded that we would not be a family anymore without India and she started sobbing. i didn’t even know what to say.
i have lost so much in the last few months – i don’t know how to take this one.
over the course of the last week, i have started feeling better.
i have been able to see the bigger picture, able to feel my feelings without being consumed by them, to have compassion for K without excusing the bad actions or minimizing my pain and the harm done. starting to see the glimmer of possibility that i can get past this. that maybe it was all meant to be – not the awful way it happened, but the ultimate resolution. maybe.
i’ve been feeling newly committed to taking the time and space to heal.
today, though, i feel afraid and sad and mad. mostly afraid and disconnected.
so i need to write so i don’t do something stupid like text K.
[stop here if you don't want to hear a pity-party.]
some of it is pre-trip anxiety… elsa and i are going away for spring break with friends. i’m really looking forward to it, as i quite desperately need a break from my regular life. but i also dread it. i dread packing, getting to the airport, being the responsible person – the only adult. thank goodness we are actually on the flight with our friends – otherwise i would not be going.
i am completely flipping out because i CANNOT find elsa’s passport. i have her ethiopian passport, and i’ve been told we can travel on that (with her birth certificate showing me as her parent) but i freaking hate it that i can’t find her US passport!!! the worst part is i can’t even remember if it ever came. K filled out all the paperwork for me and sent it in – i have copies. but i have no idea if we got it. i have scoured my house and all my stuff still at K’s house – nothing.
fuck fuck fuck.
so this adds to my regularly-scheduled pre-trip panic.
anytime i travel i get an anxiety attack right before i go. i actually love to travel, but i get nervous about getting places on time and leaving something behind and who-knows-what.
today, it’s much worse than normal. hell, we don’t even leave until sunday, but i’m already freaking out. the passport thing is killing me. what if it DOESN’T work? will they detain us?
SHIT. i don’t know what to do.
i think i got too used to having a competent partner, someone who would double-check that we had all our necessary items, passports, boarding passes, etc. i could relax knowing that there was someone there to pick up the slack. AND there was someone there to be kind and understanding of my neuroses, tell me it was all going to be alright. to hold my hand, literally and figuratively.
it’s the first time i ever had someone who i allowed to take care of me in that way, because it’s the first time i ever trusted someone that much.
i don’t have that anymore and it just brings sharply into focus what i’ve lost.
this is the first “pleasure” travel i’ve done since the breakup.
the fact that K is off camping right now just puts salt in the wound. although i never thought i would say it, i thought the RV was fun. and it is YET ANOTHER thing that was supposed to be something we did, together.
i keep running into these things: the restaurant we went to all the time, the shows we watched, the jokes, the family activities.
each time a new one pops up it is a painful reminder that now i have to do these things without K, if at all.
and i hate that K is doing these things with the other woman now. i know, i KNOW it’s not exactly the same – that she is not a replacement for me – but still. K is with someone else now, and they have each other.
even if it was meant to be, i am the one left behind, and reminded of it constantly.
and that feels fucked up.
and scary.
having a crisis in one’s personal life is an interesting thing.
not the crisis part – but the way people react to it.
although i post gobs of gory detail of my life here on El Bloggo, in my real life, i am rather private.
the recent demise of my relationship has been far too public for my liking, and far too many people are fascinated by it. i understand the impulse – it is a juicy story. but i am now starting to hear versions of it that aren’t anywhere close to factual. and now more and more people want me to talk about it.
there are some people now practically insisting that i talk to them about my personal life. suddenly, i am interesting? more likely, they want the inside scoop.
i’m keeping counsel with trusted friends and my inner circle (which includes my village here on habeshachild). that’s it.
i know i can’t control what people say about me, my ex, the whole sordid mess. but it still bothers me – a lot – that they are so intrusive and meddlesome. maybe because i’m NOT talking about it a lot, they feel they can just make stuff up?
my shrink reminds me that the reaction of others to my situation speaks volumes about their OWN unresolved “stuff”, and very little about me, K, or us.
this is true, i know.
what i didn’t expect is how many people have so much “stuff” that is stirred up by this situation.
and they all want to talk to me about it.
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