As some of you know, for a long long time after I first got home with Elsa, things were not great. In fact, things were pretty shitty.
But I didn’t talk about it too much. I didn’t even know how to. And I felt too scared that people would think I was an ingrate, not worthy of raising a child, if I described just how bad it was, and how afraid I was that I had made a terrible, awful mistake, and how I wished that I could just go back in time and not adopt. Even now, I can only barely admit these feelings because I am madly in love with my daughter and can’t imagine life without her. So I am doing it with safety and not risking much with the admission.
But then along comes someone like Ashley. Who writes this post. Searingly honest… breathtakingly so.
If you are one of those who have Been There, Done That, please go over and post a comment of support. If you haven’t BTDT, please go over and read it anyway – especially if you are in the process of adopting…
The amazing Julie recently wrote a similar, painfully honest post about the first 6 months home with her two adopted kiddos – should also be required reading.
11 comments
Comments feed for this article
23 February 2010 at 2:48 am
heidi
Thanks for the link to Ashley’s post and for your own words of honesty. And of course Julie’s post is full of wisdom as always! Taking deep breaths and appreciating the calm of life now as we approach our court date!
23 February 2010 at 6:17 am
Liz
Ashley’s post is stunningly honest, we need more posts like that in adoption bloggy land…thanks for sharing it.
23 February 2010 at 9:23 am
ckd1
Wow. I am not a mom and even I am tearing up reading these posts.
Here’s my (probably useless) opinion: people give biological parents a wide berth in the area of adjustment and all that. Postpartum depression is somewhat common and families rush together to commiserate over baby blues, sleep deprivation, etc. But for some reason because you adopted you should be grateful for the tantrums and sleep deprivation and major attachment adjustments. How DARE you complain? It makes zero sense. A world being turned upside down is a world being turned upside down. Parents deserve all the support and encouragement they can get!
A college friend is trying to find her footing as a stepmom and says she encounters similar judgments: biological moms bitch about their kids’ bratty behavior but the moment she pipes up with “Yeah, is it so hard to pick up a few Legos?” they look at her like she’s fixing poisoned apples for snack time.
Holy hell, for someone whose “babies” include a Boston terrier and a cat, I sure have lots of opinions…
23 February 2010 at 9:50 am
MB
Thank you for posting this! And thank you for writing what you did at the time you were going through this too! For those of us who aren’t there yet, it’s important to know what’s coming so that when we are in it, we know we’re not the only ones. So thank you to you and the others for writing the tough parts… the parts most people try not to admit.
I read a autobiography in college entitled “Operating Instructions” by Annie Lamott. It’s about a biological mom, but she goes through many of the same feelings that are written here. Might be worth checking out for those who think there must be something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.
23 February 2010 at 11:08 am
2become4
Ughhh brings back so many memories. We have been home since September and I’m just now starting to get out of my funk a bit. I need more adult interaction and play dates for Allie. Wish we were closer to you and Elsa.
23 February 2010 at 1:11 pm
Martha
I will pop over to Ashley and drop a note of support. It can be just so friggin hard. I am not as comfortable as others posting about the details of the challenges. Because E is older and has told me not to talk with others about her life before coming here, and because the worst of it will likely pass, I feel a need to protect her privacy. It’s complicated about how much to share publicly.
23 February 2010 at 5:04 pm
aimee
BTDT. I bet these fellings are far more common than any of us thought. Wish I would have known it then though.
25 February 2010 at 7:29 am
tiggerwitch
Big breath… inhale…. exhale. Yeah, I should write about these feelings too. I *think* they were worse when Tolido came home but maybe I just have learned coping strategies. Some days are horrible. Some days we get through pretty smoothly. No great days yet.
26 February 2010 at 4:58 pm
kerryanne
Please don’t be mad at me…I do not want to offend in any way, and I hope you have enough of an idea of what kind of a person I am to know that this opinion is not meant to hurt anyone.
I read both of these articles twice and I was much more drawn to the second post you linked to by Julie than Ashley’s. I respect Ashley’s feelings and do feel for her- but I found myself a bit upset. Maybe it is because she already has 3 (bio?) children and she was writing about her son as if he were some sort of alien wrecking their peaceful existence; as though somehow *he* had done this *to* them? I believe I would have had more sympathy if he were her first child. I don’t know. I feel so conflicted and guilty for not applauding her but I just can’t.
I’m not saying this without much thought. Our life was not peachy the first few months (you know the so called adventure my husband, Little Man and I had together and then just Little Man & I thousands of miles apart from H). I know the food issue her son is trying to cope with. Little Man had it too- bad, bad, bad. Heartbreaking. Here is where I hesitate to say how we felt while helping him through it because I don’t want to come off as though I don’t get the difficult side to this but all I could think, every second we had to deal with food was how I could make his anguish go away; not how it was affecting my previously well organized life. Yes it was disruptive and the hardest thing we have had to deal with to date but he didn’t ask for it, didn’t ask for us, for anything.
Am I wrong for being upset that Ashley seems to be focusing on negativity of the adjustment her son is experiencing on how it is affecting her and the rest of her family rather than how utterly traumatized he probably is? I understand that her post was a vent, and I am absolutely certain that she is thinking about what he is going through 24/7 but I just can’t shake this.
I will read it again soon and see because it’s not fair for me to judge. This was just my first impression.
Julie’s on the other hand spoke a bit more to me. She was able to articulate the difficulties and adjustments without sounding resentful. And again, I think I am biased because M&M are Julie’s first children.
I’m not unfeeling! I have had plenty of moments when I wondered what the hell was going on, wondering how badly I was screwing up, etc.
19 March 2010 at 8:20 am
{73/365} Walk down memory lane… | My Everyday Miracles
[...] is what she did way back when, but I just read about it. She shared in this post about two fellow adoptive moms who could write with honest about what those first months home were [...]
15 February 2011 at 7:34 pm
Elizabeth
I am coming to this post a year late, but wanted to add my appreciation for these honest posts, including yours! Any time any human being is made to feel that they are allowed only positive emotions, it is a setup for disaster, and this is especially true of new parents. Speaking honestly about the difficult emotions as well as the positive ones creates a safe space for adoptive parents and lets them know they’re not alone. What a gift!
Elizabeth Vaughan
http://blog.vaughanfirm.com