[this post is a big ol' bitchfest. you've been warned. ]
As y’all can probably tell by the dearth of blog posts lately, I am stretched.
Work is crazy busy, and although the trip to Sweden was good, it was hard and there is a mountain of work that goes with it. There was work to prepare for it, nonstop work during it, and then a ton of work that resulted from it. And then there is all the stuff the piled up during the week I was gone.
At the same time, Elsa is a lot of work right now. She is a joy, of course – but she is also a very demanding 2-year-old who is not getting enough time with her mama lately. And that comes out mostly in bad behavior and tantrums and testing testing testing. It’s exhausting, for both of us. We have too little time together and the little time we do have is not so fun.
I’ve also been lately trying to ratchet things up a bit in my athletic endeavors. I row for a masters team that has several levels – I’m on the “B” team. And over the course of the last few months, I’ve been trying out for the “A” team. This has been kicking my ass, because it’s stressful but also (and mostly) because it requires a level of training that I just don’t have time to do. I’m just not at the level of fitness and strength that I need to be at in order to qualify as a member. (The coach gave me a shot because I’m tall.)
I’m up too early every day for either work or practice and the minute I put Elsa down at night I’m grabbing my laptop and working until I drop. Except for one book I read on the plane to Sweden, I have not read anything in months. I have not watched TV. I have not daydreamed or slept in.
I’m sleep-deprived, short-tempered, afflicted with random anxiety attacks, kind of bitchy, and certainly not being the kind of parent I want to be. I am barely seeing my friends and many people I care about are no doubt wondering if I’ve dropped off the face of the earth.
I feel both lonely and sick of people.
I feel like have no time to… well just have no time, full stop.
So I need to stop something. I can’t stop parenting Elsa – in fact that is the one area I need to crank up a bit. I can’t stop my job – it pays the bills. And also I mostly like it. I can’t stop being in relationship with friends and my family – and again, I feel like I would like to do a better job in this area.
This leaves rowing, which I love.
And I mean I truly love it.
Tomorrow is the last day (I believe) of my tryout period for the “A” team. It includes a erg test (a hideous physical test which is quite painful), which I am dreading, but which I will complete because it’s the right thing to do. And after that I’m supposed to find out if I made the team or not… pretty sure I didn’t (and I’m not being falsely modest here – I’m honestly a long shot), but even if I did, I’m going to have to decline and find a way to row just occasionally, without the competitive pressure. Which kind of breaks my heart… I love rowing with the “A” team because they are so good, and strong, and also really great people. And I’m terrified I will get out of shape and fat (again) if I don’t have the discipline of rowing.
But I’m about to break.
I had a too-rare social lunch today with two dear friends and I almost burst into tears I was so grateful. It took everything I had to get up from the table and head back to work – I felt like I was letting go of a lifeline.
And that’s not good.