over the course of the last week, i have started feeling better.
i have been able to see the bigger picture, able to feel my feelings without being consumed by them, to have compassion for K without excusing the bad actions or minimizing my pain and the harm done. starting to see the glimmer of possibility that i can get past this. that maybe it was all meant to be – not the awful way it happened, but the ultimate resolution. maybe.
i’ve been feeling newly committed to taking the time and space to heal.
today, though, i feel afraid and sad and mad. mostly afraid and disconnected.
so i need to write so i don’t do something stupid like text K.
[stop here if you don't want to hear a pity-party.]
some of it is pre-trip anxiety… elsa and i are going away for spring break with friends. i’m really looking forward to it, as i quite desperately need a break from my regular life. but i also dread it. i dread packing, getting to the airport, being the responsible person – the only adult. thank goodness we are actually on the flight with our friends – otherwise i would not be going.
i am completely flipping out because i CANNOT find elsa’s passport. i have her ethiopian passport, and i’ve been told we can travel on that (with her birth certificate showing me as her parent) but i freaking hate it that i can’t find her US passport!!! the worst part is i can’t even remember if it ever came. K filled out all the paperwork for me and sent it in – i have copies. but i have no idea if we got it. i have scoured my house and all my stuff still at K’s house – nothing.
fuck fuck fuck.
so this adds to my regularly-scheduled pre-trip panic.
anytime i travel i get an anxiety attack right before i go. i actually love to travel, but i get nervous about getting places on time and leaving something behind and who-knows-what.
today, it’s much worse than normal. hell, we don’t even leave until sunday, but i’m already freaking out. the passport thing is killing me. what if it DOESN’T work? will they detain us?
SHIT. i don’t know what to do.
i think i got too used to having a competent partner, someone who would double-check that we had all our necessary items, passports, boarding passes, etc. i could relax knowing that there was someone there to pick up the slack. AND there was someone there to be kind and understanding of my neuroses, tell me it was all going to be alright. to hold my hand, literally and figuratively.
it’s the first time i ever had someone who i allowed to take care of me in that way, because it’s the first time i ever trusted someone that much.
i don’t have that anymore and it just brings sharply into focus what i’ve lost.
this is the first “pleasure” travel i’ve done since the breakup.
the fact that K is off camping right now just puts salt in the wound. although i never thought i would say it, i thought the RV was fun. and it is YET ANOTHER thing that was supposed to be something we did, together.
i keep running into these things: the restaurant we went to all the time, the shows we watched, the jokes, the family activities.
each time a new one pops up it is a painful reminder that now i have to do these things without K, if at all.
and i hate that K is doing these things with the other woman now. i know, i KNOW it’s not exactly the same – that she is not a replacement for me – but still. K is with someone else now, and they have each other.
even if it was meant to be, i am the one left behind, and reminded of it constantly.
and that feels fucked up.
and scary.
10 comments
Comments feed for this article
6 April 2012 at 10:22 am
KateM
It is going to be okay, I know that is not very believable… if you can’t get on the plane, come to our place… If you can’t get home, then stay…yeah, I know that does not help but I will come and get you…..just let me know.
This shit does not just happen to you… i lose stuff too and I forget stuff all the time….I mean constantly. So constantly I think I might have a brain tumor.I wish I could be more help…but try to get through one minute, one hour….grant me the serenity and all that crap…. and think about drinking heavily once you are there…there will be other adults to keep Elsa safe while you do so. Go. Have fun. Take a break or enjoy the change of scene and realize that this too shall pass, it always does. Sending you much love and safe travels and don’t forget you have one awesome little girl. oxoxox
6 April 2012 at 10:29 am
rebekah
I would imagine it’s really frustrating to have handed over trust about something like passports and then now not be able to find it – it’s evidence that trusting might have been a mistake. There was so much at stake, so much potential for you… it’s a big loss under the best of breakups. You’re cutting yourself some slack, right? It might be a long time before there’s compassion and that’s perfectly ok.
Traveling somewhere that needs a passport helps clear the mind – by definition, I swear. You will be totally removed from all the similarities at home, and it will help, at least for a little bit.
6 April 2012 at 11:03 am
tafel
This is why I tell people it’s easier to be a single parent, full stop, than to have ever known anything different. I totally sympathize, it would be so hard to get used to having someone else to rely on (even for little things like trip planning) and then have that taken away. BOO.
6 April 2012 at 1:29 pm
kate
It’s HARD being the only grown-up. It will be a great break to be surrounded by friends–for both of you.And, with other loving grown-ups around, you’ll be able to relax a bit. I hope. So, do.
Don’t panic. Take the Ethiopian passport and all your paperwork. Just get there a little early.
(If K’s gone, can you get in and have a rummage for the passport at hers? Or is that more salt in an already stinging wound? Maybe someone else could?)
6 April 2012 at 1:38 pm
HabeshaChild
@KateM – thank you and (as always) your words give me peace.
@Rebekah, you hit the nail on the head. even though K was not at fault for the passport fail, it just hits right at the tender spot of trust invested and things not working out.
@tafel – amen, sister.
@Kate – K was super helpful before going camplng – looked through our old shared office with me, came over and helped me look through my stuff. No need to go there and rummage around… and it would feel creepy.
6 April 2012 at 8:11 pm
yimeslenyal
Fucked up and scary, and sad, and unfair, and not fair, and wrong, and brutal and not fair. And relentless and inescapable no matter how hard I try. I was always the only responsible detail person, so that hasn’t changed, but everything else you wrote came straight out of my heart. I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing vacation.
7 April 2012 at 12:40 pm
kate
yeah–it could be creepy. but, i didn’t mean sneak in…just didn’t know that you’d already been able to have good search. i sort of get stuck on the stones i feel i’ve left unturned…and then can’t see anything else.
7 April 2012 at 7:16 pm
Megan
Reading and following again now. Wish I could do more to help but you’re in my thoughts. I wish you a relaxing and wonderful time away once you’ve scrambled to get all your crap together and seated your butt on the plane. XO
9 April 2012 at 9:58 am
ariesanna
I find it interesting that whenever we feel grief deeply and sadness has buried deep- we call it a pity party. Why isnt it OK to pity ourselves sometimes? In our deepest cognitive selves we know it wont continue forever…. but I think its got to be Ok sometimes too.
11 April 2012 at 3:01 am
Melissa
after reading that K came over to help look for the passport, which I understand being a moment of panic… maybe, just maybe.. it might be in your heart’s and sanity’s best interest to completely cut the cord with K. it’ll sting like a mofo at first but there will be no lingering doubts, hopes, or ‘what if’s. just my 2 cents.