i don’t understand what lesson is the universe trying to teach me.  it feels everything in my personal life is being torn away.   some kind of clean slate and/or scorched earth thing is going on, in a painful way.

the first true love my life is my dog, India.  she has been with me through thick and thin.  she is the most loving, sweet, gentle soul i know.  she has been true blue – the most loyal, loving, constant presence in my life for the last 13 years.

and she is dying.

yesterday i got as far as calling the vet to the house to put her down.  but after an examination, the vet said we could try a few things – mostly pain meds – and see if she might bounce back.  it’s possible that she has some kind of inner-ear infection, which would account for India’s loss of appetite, stumbling and falling, and holding her head at a weird tilt.   if so, it’ll resolve in a few days.

but it’s more likely that it’s something bigger. like a brain tumor.

she still gets up and wags her tail when she sees me.  she happily ate the peanut butter i gave her. but she’s obviously uncomfortable and disoriented. and i just can’t take the fact that she is not long for this world.

yesterday i laid down with her and just petted her and cried.

today i sat Elsa down and tried to prepare her – explained that India is getting so old and her body is tired and sick.  Elsa asked if India was going to die soon, and i said yes.   she responded that we would not be a family anymore without India and she started sobbing.  i didn’t even know what to say.

i have lost so much in the last few months – i don’t know how to take this one.

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