You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category.
and moved it. send me an email if you want the deets.
over the course of the last week, i have started feeling better.
i have been able to see the bigger picture, able to feel my feelings without being consumed by them, to have compassion for K without excusing the bad actions or minimizing my pain and the harm done. starting to see the glimmer of possibility that i can get past this. that maybe it was all meant to be – not the awful way it happened, but the ultimate resolution. maybe.
i’ve been feeling newly committed to taking the time and space to heal.
today, though, i feel afraid and sad and mad. mostly afraid and disconnected.
so i need to write so i don’t do something stupid like text K.
[stop here if you don't want to hear a pity-party.]
some of it is pre-trip anxiety… elsa and i are going away for spring break with friends. i’m really looking forward to it, as i quite desperately need a break from my regular life. but i also dread it. i dread packing, getting to the airport, being the responsible person – the only adult. thank goodness we are actually on the flight with our friends – otherwise i would not be going.
i am completely flipping out because i CANNOT find elsa’s passport. i have her ethiopian passport, and i’ve been told we can travel on that (with her birth certificate showing me as her parent) but i freaking hate it that i can’t find her US passport!!! the worst part is i can’t even remember if it ever came. K filled out all the paperwork for me and sent it in – i have copies. but i have no idea if we got it. i have scoured my house and all my stuff still at K’s house – nothing.
fuck fuck fuck.
so this adds to my regularly-scheduled pre-trip panic.
anytime i travel i get an anxiety attack right before i go. i actually love to travel, but i get nervous about getting places on time and leaving something behind and who-knows-what.
today, it’s much worse than normal. hell, we don’t even leave until sunday, but i’m already freaking out. the passport thing is killing me. what if it DOESN’T work? will they detain us?
SHIT. i don’t know what to do.
i think i got too used to having a competent partner, someone who would double-check that we had all our necessary items, passports, boarding passes, etc. i could relax knowing that there was someone there to pick up the slack. AND there was someone there to be kind and understanding of my neuroses, tell me it was all going to be alright. to hold my hand, literally and figuratively.
it’s the first time i ever had someone who i allowed to take care of me in that way, because it’s the first time i ever trusted someone that much.
i don’t have that anymore and it just brings sharply into focus what i’ve lost.
this is the first “pleasure” travel i’ve done since the breakup.
the fact that K is off camping right now just puts salt in the wound. although i never thought i would say it, i thought the RV was fun. and it is YET ANOTHER thing that was supposed to be something we did, together.
i keep running into these things: the restaurant we went to all the time, the shows we watched, the jokes, the family activities.
each time a new one pops up it is a painful reminder that now i have to do these things without K, if at all.
and i hate that K is doing these things with the other woman now. i know, i KNOW it’s not exactly the same – that she is not a replacement for me – but still. K is with someone else now, and they have each other.
even if it was meant to be, i am the one left behind, and reminded of it constantly.
and that feels fucked up.